Reefer Madness Returns – Episode 2 – Hemp!
1936 was when the traditional values of good American citizens were about to be run over thanks to the killer known as MARIJUANA. One brave filmmaker, Louis J. Gasnier, set to fight back against the dastardly dope through his film Reefer Madness. Reefer Madness Returns with this brilliant perfect patriotic work of art!
This masterpiece of filmmaking showed what happens when young teenage boys and girls try marijuana. It isn’t pretty. Some may say that marijuana is safe and makes you feel happy, but Reefer Madness told another story. In this documentary, the teenagers killed, stole, saw Satan himself, and went into pure madness. They even killed over one sniff of the pot.
In a right world, this film would have made us burn every plant out there, but then the 1960s happened. Everyone was smoking the mary wannas, and that smoke clotted everyone’s brains. Now, weed is on the verge of legalization. We are here to continue Louis J. Gasnier’s message of the destructiveness of this drug. Today, on Reefer Madness Returns” – “HEMP,” we will look into what a hemp is.
Hemp isn’t hip, kids. Let’s look at ancient Mesopotamia. It was a civilization around 6,000 years ago. Do you know why it doesn’t exist anymore, little Timmy? There is one word that explains it. Hemp. The ancient Mesopotamians grew this callous crop, this poisonous plant. They thought this plant could help them build rope and other goods from a flexible and sustainable material. But as they say, the devil is a deceiver. This plant was not just any other plant. It was a CANNABIS PLANT. Cannabis is the same plant that caused Reefer Madness.
Hemp drove the Mesopotamians to madness. They went from a fine, upstanding tribe to killing each other just for one tiny toke of this hellish plant. Little Timmy, do you want to learn more about Hemp and why it’s from hell? You do? Let’s look at it.
Hemp is worse than cancer, kidney stones, stubbing your toe on the door, and even worse than getting run over by a lawnmower. I would rather slice open my god-given balls with every page of the Good Lord’s book than dare to touch hemp with my pinky. That’s how dangerous this plant is. Good thing us folks at Reefer Madness Returns” – “HEMP” have told you otherwise.
Hemp has been industrialized for a good while, and people are seeing its benefits. Supposed benefits, that is. Here are some things you could use hemp for:
Fuel: People claim hemp fuel is sustainable and the greener solution. Unbeknownst to these people, Satan himself uses hemp fuel to keep the flames of hell bright and hot as he casts the reefer heads into the fires.
Insulation: Some may say that hemp provides insulation, allowing you to keep your house warm and comfortable. However, when you fill your home with hemp, you’re inviting the devil into your house. You’ll be insulated and warm when he is shoving a pitchfork in your bunghole in hell.
Carpeting: You may think hemp carpets are soft and can last you a long time. However, hemp carpet is the devil’s happy trail.
Fabric: Some may say that hemp could make some fabric for some sustainable clothes. I say hogwash! Hemp fabric is Satan’s underwear. Never way these clothes of the devil if your life depends on it.
Paper: Some idiots think hemp paper is more sustainable than paper from trees. However, when you write on hemp paper, you are signing a contract to give the devil your soul. If you see hemp paper, you must destroy it!
Food: You can make milk and flour out of hemp. Some people say hemp has many vitamins and minerals, and it won’t get you high like cannabis. Be not fooled. Hemp flour bakes well… in hell.
Skincare: Hemp lotion and other skin care products exist. You may think they can keep your skin smooth and fresh, but I’d rather take a bath in sulfuric acid than put the devil’s lotion anywhere on my skin!
Rope: You can make rope out of hemp, too! The people who advocate for hemp (AKA hellbound degenerates,) claim hemp rope is sturdy. Yeah, it’s sturdy when you want to tie a noose around your neck!
So far on this episode of Reefer Madness Returns” – “HEMP,” we have looked at the “supposed” benefits. Let’s look at hemp paper for a second, Timmy. Some potheads claim that hemp paper can give us four times as much use than trees do. These hellbound hippies say that we should be more mindful when it comes to knocking down trees. They even claim we are killing animals and valuable oxygen. However, this is a lie. Only us folks at Reefer Madness Returns” – “HEMP” could have told you that!
We’ve been knocking down trees for thousands of years, and the trees would be quite lonely if they didn’t get turned into paper. Would you like to stand around for hundreds of years and get birds and squirrels crawling on you, or would you like to be a nice book? We thought so. Not to mention, those animals are conspiring against us. We need to make them all extinct before some squirrel mistakes his acorns for you, well, you know.
Another thing these hippies claim is that all this environmental damage is causing climate change. They say the earth is getting hotter and the water levels are rising. What a bunch of commie lies. It’s still snowing in Antartica, little Timmy. And even if it’s hotter, that just means more babes at the beach and more time to swim in the pool. Melting ice caps? As long as the ice in my glass of whiskey stays strong, I couldn’t give a hoot.
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Reefer Madness Returns” – “HEMP.” Be an American and boycott hemp. That’s what Washington would have wanted. Some may claim Washington was a hemp grower, but that is just revisionist history by the pothead-controlled media. Don’t buy into their lies!