100 of the Funniest Tweets of All Time

Finding the 100 funniest tweets of all time is like sifting through sand dunes to find a nickel. Good thing we brought a metal-detector.

Twitter can be a blessing and a curse. You can scroll through and read some truly hilarious jokes, then, moments later, find out your aunt’s ex-husband is a crazy, racist that believes the government is turning frogs gay. Thankfully we’ve weeded through the trash to bring you 100 of the absolute funniest tweets of all time.

SCIENTIST: Let's name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

— Philly Byrne (@PhilipNByrne) September 25, 2017

yall dont think i read replies to my tweets huh? in my mentions like "choke me daddy". is that funny to you beth pic.twitter.com/Y0MzGsjRi5

— jake (@callmeshitto) September 14, 2016

Cooking spinach pic.twitter.com/FqLdJrXQFM

— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) March 31, 2016

Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

— ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013

"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014

Making a list in Word

1. Word plz make me a list
2. No wait what are you d
2. 2. wtf is this
c. no this isn't what
• WTF

— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) October 18, 2017

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck

— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 11, 2016

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo pic.twitter.com/oUvLqyJgZQ

— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) August 9, 2016

https://twitter.com/AlexSteinman/status/750820426549436416

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 19, 2014

What you see vs. what your family sees when you reset the router pic.twitter.com/lAiGOz5Vt5

— ovohb stan acct. (@ImAJBro) September 5, 2017

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 15, 2011

Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) March 25, 2013

porn is so unrealistic who would have sex while the pizza was getting cold so stupid

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 31, 2012

I got a pair of these, but when I tried to walk away I stumbled. pic.twitter.com/9Y3FTgv0XI

— Trill Pepp (@SenatorIvy) October 26, 2014

If you were stranded on an island and could only bring one Dave Matthews album, how would you kill yourself?

— Will Phillips (@TheThryll) December 15, 2010

They should have soccer matches on the infield of Nascar tracks so you can watch two boring things at once.

— Pete C (@peteec) May 6, 2012

https://twitter.com/josephxmorales/status/912788058189287429

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013

The first month of dating is just the guy saying "What?! You've never seen (movie title)?!" hundreds of times.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 10, 2014

Ayn Rand's favorite stuffed animal growing up was an eight foot beam of steel.

— guterman (@danguterman) February 14, 2013

"What race was the guy?" – a question you'll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) December 24, 2017

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes? pic.twitter.com/E9kfdFT26Z

— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) September 20, 2013

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) September 13, 2016

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016

"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'…" – Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding

— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) December 28, 2012

one time ESPN had Air Bud on to do commentary on a basketball game and it was insane pic.twitter.com/bsDd9YPT1q

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) May 3, 2016

It's fucked that women have to take their husband's names and then their names just become their shithead sons' bank acct security answers.

— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) January 1, 2015

A guy in my office is shaking his protein shake and this woman poked her head around the corner and said “do I hear margaritasssss?”… no Janet, it’s 10 am.

— ••Teej•• (@TJKilbride) November 30, 2017

If I had a nickel for every time I've had an irrational fear, I'd be *looks nervously at the sky* PELTED TO DEATH BY SKY NICKELS?!

— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) July 16, 2013

When u r drunk and Landslide comes on pic.twitter.com/63FB4IZZug

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 20, 2016

my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) October 18, 2012

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i'm at work: where are u

— Semra (@SemraDurmisevic) July 15, 2017

Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) June 21, 2012

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 13, 2016

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015

If I ever ordered a beer and the bartender said "Take a pitcher it'll last longer" that would be a very successful upsell.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 22, 2013

I am CRYING. The Weather Channel set up for a live shot of the Georgia Dome being imploded, and at the perfectly wrong time … this happened (via @ajc): pic.twitter.com/LA0cXpC7oX

— Brett Taylor (@Brett_A_Taylor) November 20, 2017

If anyone ever proposes to me i'm gonna be like get off that knee and stop disrespecting the troops bitch

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 9, 2017

We can all agree comedy is at its best when comedians say exactly what you want them to say in the exact way you want them to say it.

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) November 15, 2017

When my meal comes in a restaurant, I always make a face like "oh wow I had no idea I was getting this much food!" But I did know. I did.

— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) September 23, 2017

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 4, 2018

I miss the days when online "Fake News" was just like, "Did you hear Urkel died" and then later you find out Urkel is fine.

— Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) June 23, 2017

"Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo"–Where's Waldo Audiobook

— Jason Mustian (@jasonmustian) May 8, 2010

When you screenshot then send it back to the same person pic.twitter.com/cPyt0ZY18m

— Hugo (@HugoRivera___) October 3, 2016

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special. pic.twitter.com/Tz6Tt6l4jn

— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) June 30, 2016

wut pic.twitter.com/HYSSTYpHM6

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) June 9, 2014

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 17, 2016

If vampires have no reflection how do they get their hair like that.

— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) August 24, 2016

Life hack: if a ghost is haunting your house start dating them and then be super needy now the ghost is gone like everyone else I ever loved

— tater tot bros (@thetits) January 5, 2016

When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) May 24, 2011

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 21, 2018

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) May 22, 2013

You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?

— LADYBIRDJ (@ladybirdj) June 20, 2012

Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head

— Benton (@Bentono10) September 14, 2016

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

— everett byram (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 9, 2014

I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens. pic.twitter.com/2B1H6n7XtX

— Mike Recine (@mikerecine) August 29, 2017

Hey — quick questch for people who put their seats back on planes: what, psychologically, is wrong with you

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 28, 2018

The 6 year-old son of a colleague has just drawn this. He has offered no explanation for it. pic.twitter.com/VZaEqFEMot

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) July 15, 2016

why this man's stomach look like woody harrelson lmaooooooo pic.twitter.com/p9BrL1bmT1

— sage (@sagemyster) September 18, 2017

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

— opeimu (@iamopeimu) October 10, 2016

my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner

— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) October 10, 2012

i’m just trying to look at my phone bill and Jessica thinks i’m gassing her up pic.twitter.com/bDZu9or6Ph

— sam (@drkeeg) October 25, 2017

The ants won't go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in pic.twitter.com/9xMFrWlbhK

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 7, 2017

WARNING: nightmare levels of cringe pic.twitter.com/DZK3WXPP0f

— bossmoz (@BossMoz) April 24, 2018

I don’t care what anyone says. Julia Roberts is looking more beautiful than ever. pic.twitter.com/Z2dUe13hPE

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) April 24, 2018

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

— Tami Cru (@TamiCru) August 29, 2017

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie "Seven" with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) August 3, 2012

Make the @Jaguars great again pic.twitter.com/6wlowwWXTi

— Johnny M. (@HomeMalone) April 29, 2018

Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw

— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016

The Shape of Water sequel looks awful. pic.twitter.com/pgPU5r2brC

— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) March 12, 2018

Last month my mom asked what "af" meant and I said it meant "like REALLY something" without saying what it stood for pic.twitter.com/LPslZ4Sg45

— Professional Nutritionist (@SortaBad) May 1, 2015

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.

— Chelsea Lockwood (@chelsealockw00d) March 10, 2014

EDM girls on my TL always complaining they're broke. Ya u broke, u just spent ur fucking paycheck on a $300 hula hoop & horse tranquilizers

— Lil Yugi Vert (@VinceMici) September 5, 2017

Every story about edible weed:
1. Not high.
2. Not high.
3. Still not high.
4. Not high.
5. Please drive me to the emergency room.

— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 1, 2015

coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli

— a potential employer (@egg_dog) March 7, 2018

hello youtube today i will teach u how to get this winged eyeliner look pic.twitter.com/25mNtQQIFc

— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) September 26, 2017

Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.

— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) February 23, 2018

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 15, 2015

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING pic.twitter.com/K4vgCQ7B9e

— Alex Corea (@alexcorea) December 31, 2017

Being a parent is mostly muttering to yourself "why is this wet?"

— Spencer Porter (@porters) December 7, 2016

If we allow a female to become president, what's next? Female doctors? Female race car drivers? Female mothers?! Female women?!

— mark hoppus. (@markhoppus) May 16, 2015

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) June 2, 2016

Hang on. Frogger was trying to get to the office? This is depressing pic.twitter.com/5ozzL0LxDh

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) October 23, 2017

Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.

— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 2011

Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

— Julian McCullough (@julezmac) October 24, 2015

The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you're being an asshole mouthing "she's just hungry."

— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 16, 2016

No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

— denise navidad (@Stellacopter) April 16, 2013

I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 3, 2016

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

— Nick (@NickSchug) August 16, 2011

All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2017